


And If You Stay

by frapandfurious



Series: Kylux Ficlet Medley [6]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Understanding Kylo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 18:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7519151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frapandfurious/pseuds/frapandfurious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn’t the first time this has happened. He dates someone, they like him well enough, he starts to open up more, lets them come over more. And then they see this: the side of him that gets anxious when things aren’t done the way he thinks they should be, how he goes cold and silent in an effort to conceal how anxious he is and then ends up bursting.</p>
<p>They always leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And If You Stay

“This is who I am,” Hux’s voice is hoarse. Tears prickle at the corners of his eyes but he valiantly doesn’t let them fall. “If you don’t like it you can…you can…”

The words catch in his throat and he stops, looking down. His arms are folded across his chest protectively and his posture is hunched, so unlike his usual composed confidence.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. He dates someone, they like him well enough, he starts to open up more, lets them come over more. And then they see this: the side of him that gets anxious when things aren’t done the way he thinks they should be, how he goes cold and silent in an effort to conceal how anxious he is and then ends up bursting. They always leave.

Hux thought Kylo might be different. He waited longer, this time, got to know him gradually and even let him stay the night a few times. They argued a lot but never about anything important.

Never like this.

It started with something small, it always did. Kylo had stayed over the night before and in the morning made Hux breakfast. It was supposed to be breakfast in bed but Hux refused to eat in his bed. They compromised with breakfast on the sofa. It was…nice. Very domestic. Then Kylo piled the dishes into the sink and walked away to go take a shower.

“Aren’t you going to wash those?”

“What?” Kylo looked over his shoulder at the sink full of dishes. “Of course I am.”

“…”

“Not _now._ But I will, later.”

“…”

“…okay, what’s your problem?”

Hux burst.

That was twenty minutes ago. They started fighting over the dishes then continued fighting over Kylo throwing their clothing all over the bedroom when they undressed each other the night before, then over Hux being particular about the state of his car, and on and on.

Hux is so tired of it.

He knows he can be difficult to live with. He knows he’s strict and meticulous. He knows he’s prone to anxiety when things don’t go his way.

He just wants someone to accept him anyway.

Hux never finishes his sentence. Kylo can figure out the rest. ‘You can go’ or ‘you can leave me’, it’s all the same. He turns, refusing to let Kylo see him cry, and hurries to his bedroom, slamming the door. Kylo’s clothes and his own are still scattered about the room. He bunches them into a pile and shoves it all into the hamper, then sits on the edge of his bed and puts his head in his hands as hot tears finally slip down his cheeks.

*

Out in the hall, Kylo stands with a hand out a moment too late to snatch Hux’s hand, his mouth half open ready a moment too late to tell him wait, don’t go.

He thinks about leaving. That is what he’s supposed to do, right? Hux had walked away, slammed the door. That was his cue to leave.

Standing there frozen, all he can picture is Hux’s face, the hurt in his eyes, his trembling lip and defensive stance, as if by curling into himself he could stop Kylo’s words from reaching him.

Kylo recognized that look all too well. He remembered times as a teenager when he’d have one of his many emotional outbursts and then withdrew into himself out of shame and fear. He remembered the friends and boyfriends who had left. He remembered learning how to bottle it up and push people away so that no one could see how conflicted and angry he really was.

He remembered how his mother never lost her patience with him, how even when he screamed and cried and broke things she stood there, a pillar of love and concern, until he was done, and then helped him clean up. He remembered the relief that someone saw the worst of him and loved him anyway.

He and Hux weren’t in love, yet. They were still learning each other, still working out whatever this was. Every step closer they took, they put a new part of themselves at risk.

He could leave now.

If he did, it would be over between them.

*

Hux finally lifts his head from his hands at a soft clattering sound coming from somewhere out in the apartment. He frowns and stands, wiping his eyes. Maybe Kylo left the door open on his way out and one of his neighbors was dropping by, or something. He hates to be seen like this but he needs to know who is there.

Cautiously he opens the bedroom door and peeks out. From here he can just make out half of Kylo’s form, his back to Hux’s room. Hux opens the door soundlessly and steps out further. He rubs at his eyes again, unable to process what he sees.

Kylo is standing at the kitchen sink finishing the last of the dishes. He’s still in boxer shorts and a t-shirt; the only clothes he had with him were in Hux’s room. He shuts the sink off and sets the final plate on the rack, dries his hands, and turns.

He startles, surprised to see Hux there. Their eyes meet.

Hux instinctively folds his arms again, looking like a frightened animal about to bolt. His brow is furrowed in confusion. He sniffles a little and that breaks Kylo out of his trance.

“I’m angry a lot,” he starts. That only makes Hux look more confused. Kylo fiddles with the bottom of his shirt. “When I was younger, I’d have these…outbursts. Tantrums, people called them.  They don’t happen much anymore but it’s always sort of right here, under the surface.” He vaguely motions to his chest. “I’m not…violent, just...emotional, I guess. You haven’t seen me that way yet because I hide it. Because when I didn’t, people…left.”

Hux’s face softens as he speaks. It encourages Kylo to continue.

“What I’m saying is, I get it.” He takes a step forward. “You think if don’t hide certain things, people will leave. Well I’m not ready to give up, okay? I like this. I like _you_. A lot. And…I’m sorry.”

For a moment he thinks he’s fucked it up completely, because Hux’s lip begins to tremble again. Hux ducks his head and breathes in and out slowly, his fingers tapping anxiously against his arm as he considers Kylo’s words.

“I’m sorry too,” Hux finally says. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I wish I wasn’t like this…”

“What, responsible? Organized? Everything I’m not?” Kylo is trying to draw out a smile. It doesn’t work. “You’ve seen my place, Hux, it’s a mess. I’m a mess. But I can try to do better, okay?”

“I don’t want you to change for me, Kylo.”

“Trust me, learning to clean up after myself would be a welcome change for everyone. You really need to meet my mother sometime.”

That prompts a twitch of Hux’s lips. It’s not much but it’s something. He takes a shuddering breath and looks up at Kylo again.

“I’ll try to do better, too. It…wouldn’t kill me to loosen up a little. For you, I would try.”

Kylo moves closer to him and holds a hand out. Hux takes it like a lifeline and holds on tight. Kylo lifts his other hand to Hux’s cheek and strokes at the tear tracks. Hux stares up at him and gradually relaxes. He tries to smile.

(Years later, when Kylo would ask Hux when he fell in love with him, Hux would consider this moment before answering with another.)

“Thank you for doing the dishes.”

Kylo lets out a surprised laugh, breaking the tension. He tugs Hux’s hand and pulls him into a warm embrace. Hux goes willingly, pressing his face into Kylo’s neck. Kylo rubs his back and Hux’s arms loop around his waist.

“Next time you wash and I’ll dry,” Kylo mumbles.

Hux finally smiles a real smile. Next time. There will be a next time. And maybe a time after that, and after that…

He squeezes Kylo a little tighter.

“Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> *deals with issues via fanfiction* ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
>  
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://obsessions-and-dreams.tumblr.com/)!


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